Wednesday, February 5, 2014

The gift of self-love

The idea of self love kind of sound narcissistic at first. I can't blame anyone who would think of it that way, I would too.. but not until I learned the true meaning of it after all the emotional and mental storm that I had to conquer from the past two years since my Mama's passing. You know, the revelation that the only true family I had was only my Mama.. I have siblings who are supposed to be my new back-bone but turns out that they are they very people who would pull me down and the very first people who would literally laugh on the idea of me failing. People may say I am over-reacting since they are family after all but I could cross my heart that my brother did jinxed on me on failing.. I never felt so alone. Turns out family isn't always with people with whom you are sharing a name with.

I was so angry I cannot work. My work involves mainly designing and making pretty clothes while I dress up for my ootds and there are the usual fashion shows and press features to promote my expertise. I was literally living a career that most girls who are into these things would kill each other for. And yet I was so stuck with my depression that I forgot I can live a life of a fairytale. I just have to collect myself together, detach myself from the root of all the toxicity and go where I am celebrated, not tolerated. *queue Queen Elsa's Let it Go here*

I tried to find refuge with my best friends who stayed with me until the worst point in my life. I have a boyfriend for 8 years and just a half year ago, we found ourselves crumbling..almost falling out of love. While my friends would provide temporary comfort on me, the rot is still there. I would cry for ends and days questioning what I was living for.. why am I even alive? I chose to cry alone because I usually get distracted when around people so most of the pain was all felt on my alone time - where I just let myself feel every inch of pain, of anger and confusion. Everything was deteriorating.. my career, my relationship, my personality it got to the point my friends can't understand me anymore. I know that even though they won't tell.

Then one day, I got fed up. I got irritated with how cynical I've become.. I usually hate those kind of people and now I am becoming one. I accepted my faults and started collecting myself together by trying to fix my relationship with my beau. After all, he's the closest person whom I consider as family.. He knows all my secrets. Besides the romantic love, he's also my bestest friend if there is such adjective. It was a struggle but I endured everything and made a significant change for me to become a better partner despite how proud I can be when it comes to the two of us. I'm not sure when did I start to believe we are "we" again I just let time take it's course.

For a few months I've been detached to my friends as well. I just don't know what to say.. I easily get weirded out when it comes to awkward situations so I didn't push myself unto them just yet. I just let the distance and the silence float and one day, i don't know how, we are together again. Turns out I actually acquired ones that would last a lifetime.

While everything is falling into place bit by bit, as you may know now, I found that I was pregnant. I was hesitant at first because I don't really see myself as a parent. I just don't know what to do! Then just like the basics, I just let it sink in and here I am now, a proud mom-to-be.

Going back from where the change all started, I asked myself, "How did I do it?" And I think the answer is self-love. I started by taking care of what truly makes me happy.. It may sound that I was doing the people in my life a favor but really, the real essence of all of this is I took care of the relationships that enables me to become a better person that I can be. I can't find that with my siblings as of the moment because as you know it, no matter what I do, I can't really please them. So instead of trying to belong in a place where people would I say I belong, I chose where I belong with my own calling. I found it with a newfound family that is now my beau (hopefully my future husband) and my soon-to-be baby, my friends, my dog who literally stood by me from all of this and the patrons of my designs who makes me feel I have so much capabilities to ignite happiness with fashion as my medium. I realized I was blessed with proper knowledge, tools, and is so much capable of finding resources if I maximize them fully. I celebrated myself and it was just contagious in all aspects of my life. I practiced self-love.

Just like the Philippines, we have all the resources and people that if we all manage to maximize these blessings thoroughly, you can tell that we are really a beautiful nation. I think at it's very core, we are somehow lacking at the aspect of self-love. Filipinos are truly talented and resilient with mistakes and failures and perhaps with the gift of self-love, one would truly bloom. If more and more people would practice self-love like me, I know more and more people would be able to touch each others lives. If only each individual would celebrate each of themselves.. their capabilities and their resourcefulness, it would truly lead to a better and quality life whether financially, emotionally and mentally. It's a good virus and I'm really happy I found this because it can never make my day so much better when a subbie would tell me how inspirational I am to them. So if there is one thing I could give to the Philippines, that is to try my very best to empower the idea of self-love. I know with the help of #GLOBEProjectWonderful2014 this would be possible. It would not be easy but gradual change is still change. To love!

How about you? If there is one thing you can give to the Philippines, what is that gift? Let me know and maybe you could own an iPad mini 2.