Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Beautiful chaos

It's 7:01 in the morning today and I really have no plans to write in this blog for the past hour. The sugar of my life: my partner and my dog are still in slumberland. I just really have to write this out for the hope I could somehow transfer what I feel right now in this space and leave it here so I could go about my life for the rest of the day. They say if you're upset, you can always choose to not feel upset. It's easier to say that when you're not in the situation for it takes strength and character to be able to do that. I always believed I am a strong person because that is what I need to be with the circumstances that life has laid out on me but there are moments I just want to just breakdown and cry and just be weak for an hour or two. That's what I'm doing right now.. Letting all the pain and disgust sink in..feeling every inch of it so tomorrow it won't hurt that much anymore.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
― C.S. Lewis

They say that if you practice love for others, you will live a life full of love too. Apparently, that is a case to case scenario. Not all people are willing to care genuinely. I am writing to point out my mistake of not loving myself first before I take care of others. And now that this person I cared for stepped upon me for a sum of money she never had before, I feel scammed not only with my wasted resources but also with my trust. I paused quiet a few of my goals and dreams for her and this? Betrayal at it's finest. I forgot I had needs too but I trusted so much that this person will be there too when it's my turn to ask but no. For the first time in my life, I proved that money truly change some people - especially if that money wasn't even hard earned in the first place. It makes people proud and delusional. And it's the lowest of the low and that what makes me feel sick. Worst is, people like these would complain when you finally decided to retaliate. I was betrayed and scammed. How do you want me to feel?

But now, I just want to clarify a few things: Once is enough. I have a child to bear and raise and I choose not to make the same mistake again for the sake of my baby. Would I pause my goals and dreams for my child? No. Five years from now, what matters is the quality of life I can provide for my child. So even though it's heart breaking at some point, it's a lesson to learn. Again, one mistake is enough. I will never be distracted with my goals again. Thanks for this experience.