This is probably the most confusing phase I had in my 23 years of life. I had plans for today actually: shoot some outfits, dye my hair, and train my sister with lay-outing patterns in fabrics so she can help me with my work. It didn't happen and ended up sleeping my day away until 2pm and just hanged out with my dog and siblings and my boyfriend. I feel like my weekend was a waste but I know I'm too damn unmotivated to do anything related to lolita or fashion entirely nowadays except of course with the commissions.. I am forced to do that.
I slacked off today playing online games, lurking at pinterest and blog hopping and came across one of the posts of one of my lolita idols. Do you know that feeling you can relate too much that I made my own post regarding the matter? I think it's something that I actually deny within myself but after reading other people's confirmation that it was okay, I felt comfortable to actually say it out loud..to put it in writing.
I've never been confused with my choice of style and identity my entire life. Lolita have been a great element in my life that I think my happy lolita days were still as amazing as I can imagine now. I dressed up everyday, founded a community for it, made a business out of it and of course, met my current best buds through it. But now, I feel too lazy to even fix my hair.. I can't stand the attention lolita brings anymore. And let's admit, lolita doesn't necessarily represent sweet and dainty girls but actually, some who are into it are elitists and bullies that makes every lolita worry every single time. I would be immune to harsh treatments as of late but it's really a turn off seeing one girl bully another just because of her not wearing a petti (it even extends to the personal life of the offender, I mind you.) and so on and so forth.
Everytime I wear lolita now, I feel like it's more than just an obligation to my subbies and the patrons of the label I worked hard for, Dorotee Sweetlips. I don't feel that genuine high I felt with lolita anymore during my active days.
Unlike other girls, I can't seem to get a grasp of the change I want. If I leave lolita now, I don't know where to go back to or where to go next. It's funny how my attachment to lolita feels like the concept of marriage. You simply want to move on and be happy but there are people or things you need to consider that are also important so you ended up staying, wishing that maybe you will fall in love again.
It's sooo weird. Why am I having this soul searching now? I look forward to the day I feel that spark again whether it be back into the arms of lolita or whatever. OTL