Thursday, December 1, 2011

I'm now a mother..

..of my four younger siblings. I don't feel very comfortable to disclose the news to people I'm not tightly connected with and even to people whom I don't even know. I want this event of my life to be remembered in such a way that is serene. But what can I do? I need to let people know that I am a different person now..not different-different but the change I need to make is not a necessity but a responsibility I need to face. I have a body of a child but there is work to be done.

Two days ago, my mama died.

I didn't cry much. I only did until I saw her when I arrived here in her hometown, where she died. I am in denial but I knew that she knew this was coming. Even in her ill condition, she insisted on going home because she knew. Weeks ago, she suddenly sent contractors to install the window display for my atelier. Weeks ago, my banished sister was finally welcomed by her with open arms. Just so you know, she used to be against about my choice of career. That is the reason why I work hard to pay for my education..because she refuse to pay for it. My sister have tried asking for forgiveness.. several times.. but failed every time. She knew this was coming. These were her last gift to us.


My mama is a woman torn between the practical and the luxurious. It's funny to admit that most of my personal qualities are very much the same with hers. Sometimes, I think, I AM her. Only less kind. With proper words and actions, she can easily give her heart to anyone. That part, I didn't inherit. My trust cannot be easily gained and almost impossible to regain if you break it.. I think I got that part of me from my papa. What I am now is a product of Mama and Papa. My two selves are together now and what I can do is to be happy for them. They have lived a fruitful life. It is my promise to live mine in the same way.